Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
