I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
