then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
