I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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