You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize