um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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