We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
