headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
