Im at strip club and am horny
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
