I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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