He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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