Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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