nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
