Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
