Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
