he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
