I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
