Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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