This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
