i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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