if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize