I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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