I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
