I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need a beard to bite.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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