literally had 100 drinks last night.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
