I accidentally had phone sex last night
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
