right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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