Im at strip club and am horny
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
