I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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