I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
