Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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