I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
