Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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