how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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