Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
