chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
