I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
