I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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