If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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