Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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