That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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