I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
