I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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