i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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