I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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