I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
