god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
