Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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