i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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