I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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