I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
