Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This is my gift to your gina
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
