I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
