i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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