I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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