How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize