My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
