I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
