I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize