im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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