A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
