I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
