He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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