He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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