FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
