That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
