I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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