What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
